Do your work

I suppose I have always been big on accountability.  I can’t recall a time in my life where I felt like a victim, and before I go on, please know that bypassing the actual times I was victimized was unhealthy, and well, I’ll leave that for another conversation, another day.  I was raised in an environment where I was taught through the actions of my caregivers to simply accept the human experience and the curve balls that come with it, adjust as needed, level up, and carry on.  In many ways this has served me well, and in others not so much.

Did I always know what “doing your work” really meant?  No, not even close.  In my younger years, it meant suck up what has happened to you, go to work, meet societal expectations and times lines, and carry on.  What I do know is that looking back, I always felt slightly out of place in my family.  It was as though no one else was witnessing or experiencing the same things I was.  I learned later on, that that was simply what we call “sweeping it under the rug.”  Yes, I, like millions of others was raised in an environment where you avoided hard conversations at all costs.  The harder the thing was, the harder you swept. 

So, I went out into the world, broom in hand, and swept.  I swept away anything that required me to be vulnerable.  I swept away anything that required me to face an ending (jobs, break ups, friendships).  I swept away my feelings to avoid hurting others.  I swept away anything that dared to pop up from my childhood, because I believed that growing older actually meant the things that happened to us in the past had no impact on our current circumstances (insert slap on forehead emoji).  

I swept on, using alcohol and the occasional drug to numb out any residual hard stuff that my broom had missed. And honestly, when it came to meeting all of society’s expectations, I was killing it.  I travelled, I was successful in work, I owned my own house, I got married, and had children.  The problem was, I was doing it all with my broom in hand, and I was running out of rugs.   

My rugs were getting lumpy and tattered, and it was becoming noticeable.  Shit.  

Here, I was at a crossroads.  The same crossroad that we all come to at different points along our journey.  Would I go left and start shopping for more rugs, perhaps invest in some numbing agents to assist (drugs, alcohol, shopping, gambling, sex, pick your poison)? Or would I go right, and embark on the excruciating yet freeing task of facing myself?

I went right. 

It was gross, and hard, and painful, but it also opened up parts of me that I had completely blocked off, I felt energetically lighter, grounded, and free.  I got to meet myself for the first time ever. 

I would love to say that I have stayed right, but I have met myself at the crossroads a few more times since, and I know I will stand at them again.  Our society makes it to easy for us to go left, and in truth I pause every time and ponder this, but I know the sweet rewards of taking a right all too well at this stage of the game, so I never ponder long. 

I wholeheartedly believe that it is our responsibility to do our inner work. It takes courage to unpack our personal story’s and face our shadows, but it is also the only path to authenticity, empowerment, and healing (not just for ourselves, but for our partners, families, and the generations that come after us). I am continually inspired by those who choose vulnerability over ego, the ones who are brave enough to feel all of the human feels, the ones who say I am tired of sweeping.

So, this is what I mean when I say “do your work.”  Put your broom away, try taking a right, and for gawd sakes do not expect yourself to do it alone.  Look around for your supports; your counsellors, therapists, coaches, reiki masters, courses, books, and whatever and whoever else you are called to. 

You got this, just do your work.  

Love, Haley